A Lesson In Contentment

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.- Phillipians 4:11

This is something that I am still currently learning, and working on. It is something that I struggle with every single day, and also something that has caused me unnecessary heartache. The bible tells us that no matter what state we are in, we should be content. Being content means being satisfied. I should be satisfied with my life, no matter what circumstance. As of today, I am still working on it.

This past weekend, I attended a 2-day women's conference in Newport Beach. I must say, I was very much convicted. The Lord spoke, and I know he was speaking to me. Now this isn't the first time that I hear messages such as this and feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit. I'm a work in progress, and with each time, I am slowly being molded into what I know God wants me to be; a godly women whose focus is not what she has in this world, but what she has in her heart and layed up in heaven. The messages this weekend were amazing. One of the continuous themes of each session was something I struggle with. Finding joy in the Lord, and not in what you have (or don't have), is the main way to a life that does not include bitterness, resentment, etc.

One thing Penny Gibbs, the conference's main speaker, mentioned was how many times we like to make it seem like we have it all together. We, as women, work so hard to make it seem like we have the perfect life, and that we "have it together" to others; when in reality we don't have it together, and we don't have the perfect life. I guess I had never really realized that I, too, am guilty of this. But I am. Not because I want to be fake (can't stand fake people ..but that's a story for another day), but because ...well there are a couple of reasons:
1) I just don't like people know my problems. I tend to be very vocal with certain things (some of which I should just keep my mouth shut), and hold in other things (some of which I should actually be letting out). I've never been the type to involve people in my issues, and I also try to figure things out for myself (something I also need to work on, "let go and let God").
2) I feel like I'm being watched sometimes by those who don't like me...LOL...I sound like a crazy woman but I'm not. I've had a lot of practice in learning to figure people out. Maybe because at one point in life, I cared more about what other people thought about me. I've come to realize that there are people around me who are not "real" with their feelings/opinions toward me. Their kindness is not sincere. It is sometimes very frustrating and pretty annoying. I don't like people competing with me, especially for foolish reasons. "You be happy for me and I'll be happy for you" is how I think. Point is, there's always someone who rejoices in someone else's heartache and struggles..and I'd rather not give those people that joy.

I was raised in a home where my sisters and I got whatever we wanted. We had a beautiful home, my parents always had brand new cars (literally, every 2 years they were getting new cars), and we also got brand new cars when we got our licenses. I love my parents, and I am so thankful for how hard they worked for us; I am also very thankful because they made it a priority to provide for us the way they did. We never needed anything, and we had everything we wanted. However, that upbringing has affected my life as an adult, and not in the best way.

I recall, at one point, seeing that my parents had over 20 something credit cards. One for every department store in the country I think, plus all your major credit lenders. I owe my very high credit score at the age of 19 to them, because they put me on their cards, and I got the benefit of their credit history. So I went the path of credit, too. I had plenty, and was responsible with them. There came a time though, when I decided to focus on the "entertainment" industry, instead of my well paying property management job. I was also in school, so I got a student loan to pay them all off, and not have to pay it back until graduation. Long story short, I eventually dropped out of college (multiple times) and stopped working (after I got married). What was I left with? A student loan that needed paying because I was no longer enrolled in school.

My husband has his own story, but that's not for me to tell. Basically he has his own share of debt and costly mistakes coming into this relationship. So here we are, 2 debt-carrying individuals, now joined together as one. We've inherited each others debt. I am not working, either. Mike would rather I stay home with our little one. So my dear husband has taken the responsibility of both our debt with his income. We are currently in process of wiping out our debt. Its taking longer than I have the patience for sometimes, though.

It's become difficult for me at times. Not being able to get whatever I want. Not having my own car (which we had to give up to cut off the nearly $400 monthly payment). It's been a major eye opener for me. I  do not want my children to feel the frustration I feel sometimes. I grew up spoiled, and now living a complete opposite lifestyle is hard to swallow. But I am working on it. I am currently "going through the storm", but I know we will get out of it.

One thing I will say though, is that I truly believe this is God's way of molding me. He's shedding the spoiled layers off of me through this experience. Even though every now and then I get into my "I want what I want" moods; I've also become more conscious of need vs want, focusing on "Do we really need that?" or "We can look for bargains". I've learned to stretch our dollars and have extra money saved. God is clearly changing me, and I am thankful for it.

I'm learning to be content with whatever situation I'm in. I'm learning to wait on the Lord, and to be patient. I believe one day I will be able to get everything we need (and maybe even want!), have my own car, and own a home. But it will be in his time, not MY time...and I'm learning to be okay with that!