Ergophobia??

So according to the dictionary, Ergophobia is the fear of work; and I think I have it LOL. I've been thinking about my future in the working world again, and my brain sounds like a loud room full of thousands of people talking all at once. It has been over a year since the last time I had a "real job", and that one only lasted about 2 months (it was the bank, I did not like it, and I was pregnant and nauseous). Before that I was at a property for about 3 months (I feared for my life, the property was ghetto-rific, and the police were being called all the time for something). Then, before that I was a bartender for about 3 months (I got tired of wearing hoochie-fied outfits, and getting checked out by a bunch of perverts...plus Mike didn't like me having to do either LOL). During the time I worked as a bartender, I was also doing what I did before starting there, and during my long term positions prior to that; Modeling, acting, and dancing. Some wouldn't consider those real jobs, so I wont count them under the "real job" category; but I did make my living and pay all my bills just doing those 3 alone. Not to mention, I really enjoyed it at the time. So back to the real jobs. Before the bar, I was in property management. I did that from the time I was 18 till I was about 22 (not including that 3 month position later on).
I enjoyed it at first, and the money was beyond great...but towards the end of my long term stretch, I had gone through some crazy times, break-up, post breakup depression, and living alone in an empty apartment. Around the time I dropped out of college, and then the line of jobs mentioned already began.

So fast forward to today. I am 25 year old stay at home mom that has to mark the "some college" box wherever it applies, trying to figure myself out again in terms of work/career. Why would I have to though, if I'm going to be a stay home mom? Well for a few reasons.
1) Having nothing to do other than the house (not including my little one) causes me to go through these sporadic emotional roller-coaster moments of a very light (not serious though) depression. It comes and goes, mainly when I think about how frugal we have to be (frugality is very good, and I'd probably be frugal anyway..but there's a difference to me between being frugal because its your own choice, and being forced into frugality if you ever want to move forward with your life).
2)I need to have SOME kind of degree, period. I was raised hearing "No matter what you do, get some kind of college education. Doesn't matter what you get it in, as long as you get something to fall back on". It's engraved, and because of that I occasionally think about how I've failed my parents. I know, I know; I should be getting it for myself and not anyone else...but it still bothers me that I haven't achieved that, yet.
3)Although Mike may not need my help, I need to feel like I'm contributing SOMETHING; even if it was just to our monthly gas expenses. Especially right now that we are currently scraping every penny to pay off past debts in time to move to Long Beach by our goal of this December. I want to help reach that goal.

And I know I can, but for some reason the thought of work scares me. Looking through the different degrees offered makes me feel like I'm a freshmen in HS again; trying to figure out what it is I want to invest the next 4 years in (well, it wouldn't be 4 years. I have 2 years worth of credits already..I'd just need to take the degree courses for whatever degree I choose for my associates, and then whatever upper division coursework at the Univ. level). I'm pretty much a ball of confusion right now.

I've decided to start working as an Independent Consultant with Arbonne International, most likely starting this July. I will also be working with different property management companies, testing their employees as a secret shop. The Secret shop job is more of an extra cash job, and I choose which assignments I want to take; I like it because of that, and because I finally get to be on the other side of that table. I always did well when I got shopped, so I already know what I will need to look for when shopping employees. As for Arbonne, the challenge and mystery of not knowing what is to come kind of excites me, but it also scares me a bit. What if I don't succeed? What if I can't book parties, or gain team members under my belt. Lots of unknown questions there, but I look forward to seeing how I do. I'm going to have to work hard at first. This is one area the Ergophobia comes in. I sometimes underestimate myself..okay, I always underestimate myself. I've lost a lot of the self-confidence I used to have when it came to my ability to perform in the workplace, and that is why I'm afraid to work. I'm afraid to add another "failure" notch to my belt. It's "stinkin' thinkin'" I have going on, and somehow I need to overcome.

That stinkin' thinkin' also carries over into my college education decisions. I'm afraid that I am going to choose the wrong career choice, only to drop out again after realizing that the courses I am taking are not to my liking. I am still trying to figure it out, and I would hope to have made a decision before this fall. If I do, I may just be going back to school, again....for the thousandths time!